If Your Ex is Alienating You From Your Children
You couldn't stop your divorce. God knows you tried, but sometimes, divorce just cannot be stopped. You made your strongest efforts to stop it, but it still happened to you.
And now, here you and your kids are: stuck with the result of being divorced. If you've read my other articles, then you know that I'm adamant about putting your children first. They are innocent victims in a divorce, and every attempt to buffer them from its effects must be taken. Remember:
1. Kids come first.
2. You'll mature if you consider their needs first.
3. They'll mature if you put them first.
You have determined to put your kids first on the list; you've decided not to talk badly about your ex; and you want to stick by all the best child-rearing rules that you know. But your ex is not. He breaks all the rules. He seldom honors agreed upon pick up or drop off times. He doesn't honor the forms of discipline when the kids are at his house that they two of you agreed upon. Worse, he has begun to denigrate you in front of the kids. He makes wisecracks about how you do things. He criticizes your appearance. He uses humor to make them laugh at you in a derogatory way.
How should you react? I know, I know, you'd like to do bodily damage, wouldn't you? So you ask yourself this question "How would my actions serve my children?" You can use your ex's immaturity along with your example to both grow yourself up and set a great example for your children.
Let's look at three examples and see if you can follow the objectivity in the answers, because if you can learn to remain objective, you will win the day and so will your kids.
1. When your kids tell you that your ex lets them stay up past midnight watching TV and you know that your rules are different, you can say "Well, you know what my rules are about staying up past 10 pm. My preference is that you just get enough rest for yourself. These are your growing years and you need your rest. Sticking with scheduled go-to-bed and getting-up times is good for you and I want what's good for you." You will never get your ex to change, so roll with the punches and let the kids know what your good reasons are for your rules, and then drop it.
2. If your children tell you that Daddy called you a nasty name but it made them laugh, just explain "Your Daddy thinks he is very funny. That name doesn't feel good to me, so I'd prefer it if you did not use it either here or there." And then drop it. They know you and they know your feelings. The rest is up to them and they might just make you proud. Remain objective.
3. When your kids tell you that your ex said they didn't have to complete their homework and that their time with him/her is play time, you can tell them "Your work at school is like my work at my job. If I don't do my work, I don't earn a salary. If you don't do the work, you don't earn the grades that allow you to continue. Good grades are your job as a growing-up child and they are important. Do you want to get good grades? Tell daddy/mommy that you want to get good grades and need to do your homework." And then have a conversation with your ex about the importance of homework when your kids cannot hear you. And then drop it. An alternate possibility is to just oversee the homework at your house before they visit their other parent. You don't want to make your kids stress over your ex's behavior, so you find a way to get the homework done if he/she won't.
If your ex continues with alienating techniques and it's affecting the kids, you always have a resort in the courts. Talk to your divorce attorney and weigh his advice heavily before you decide which steps to take. Your children deserve to love both parents, but if one parent is alienating them from their other parent, this behavior should not be allowed to continue because the welfare of your kids comes first.
About the Author:
In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com
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